my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
