Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
