is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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