She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
