I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
