i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
