Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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