My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
