I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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