Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
