wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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