i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
