Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
