So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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