dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
