I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
