apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
