sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
