I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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