Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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