All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
