We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
