1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
