I'm drive I can fine osifer
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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