dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
