p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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