woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
