is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
