Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
