what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
