I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You have to summon your inner elephant
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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