If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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