Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
