On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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