I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
