I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
