Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
