I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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