i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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