When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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