I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just had sex bonerless
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
