this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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