omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
