Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
