I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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