i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
