Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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