Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
