Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
