When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Can Purell be used as lube?
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
