So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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